like tijuana tequila im as watered down as it gets. cant even look myself in the mirror anymore. all i see is a work uniform and a name badge i wear upside down so no one can get my name. everyone thinks theyre so clever when they point it out like haha do you wear it that way so you can read it yourself? yknow what yes because your inane banter sends me into a comatose state and when i wake up i dont know who the hell i am or what im doing. fucking idiot. as i was driving home today i started to recount all the things i missed about myself. i miss 3am trips to the park just to sit on the swings. i miss unplanned roadtrips that start on the way to buy cigarettes. i miss spending an afternoon at the bookstore immersed in fiction. if i could pinpoint the exact instance where i chose surviving over living id go back in time and slap myself in the face. i want to live again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tis the season to be jolly and my heart is heavier than ever. it seems like every year my list of people to buy gifts for grows shorter. i wonder if its because i purposely push people away or if the needs and wants of everyone has changed. its like i started out with this long list of people in my life and as soon as i stopped wanting to get drunk every night the list halved itself. when i decided that i didnt care for gossip and 5 hour long shopping sprees it halved again. when i decided that the only people i wanted in my life were ones that i could trust, hold a conversation with, and take on a roadtrip...my list turned into the five fingers of my hand. i guess its all part of life but when do the elimination rounds end? and...am i being selfish for only choosing people that fit my needs? hmm...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its late and im getting delirious... today a customer said that obama wasnt a citizen and that he was going to put us all in concentration camps. i dont know why but i pictured a giant green alien shedding its "obama skin" and revealing itself on inauguration day. he'd then signal for all his green slimy comrades to land on the whitehouse and point laserguns at us.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - jae | 
